Men should learn to approach
For years I avoided approaching women.
I thought it was creepy, invasive and that women hated it.
So I my strategy for my dating life was literally this...
Sit back and let women do everything.
Now, this tactic was disastrous for 2 reasons:
- It stunted my personal growth because I was avoiding fear.
- I ended up settling for women I didn't consciously choose.
But despite this, I had a few cool experiences. It wasn't all bad.
However, there was this toxic undercurrent of powerlessness in my mind.
Because I knew deep down that I wasn't yet capable of attracting the women I really wanted.
I was hiding from my fears and avoiding facing my shadow.
That was until a few years ago when I decided to throw myself into the world of pick-up.
This is where you go out with the intention of meeting women.
As I approached women on the streets of Lisbon in broad daylight - my limiting beliefs were getting shattered left and right.
I thought women hated being approached.
But then a woman gave me her number without me asking.
I thought it was creepy.
But then a woman said "I love that you did this - everyone is stuck on Tinder these days"
I could barely make any sense of it.
It turns out - I was wrong. About everything.
Now, I don't march the streets looking for women anymore.
I've weaved it into my daily life in a way that I believe a man should.
But through my time doing pick-up - I learned something.
You can learn to approach a woman in a way that ends up being extremely enjoyable for both you and her.
And learning this skill is one of the best things you can learn to do as a man.
Because when you do, you'll gain control over your dating life and be able to attract the kind of women that you previously labelled as "out of your league"
And today in this email, I want to share with you how to do that based on what I've learned.
Here are 7 tips you can implement to help you approach like a master.
Tip #1 - Frame the situation
I used to make this mistake when seeing a hot woman (I still get caught of guard sometimes actually).
I saw her and thought...
"Oh my god she's so hot - what could I say or do to get her to like me?"
And this killed my confidence because I was placing my value below hers and literally giving my power away.
Until I started using a handy reframe which was:
"She's cute! I wonder if I'd enjoy talking to her. Let's find out"
This works because it keeps your balls intact and flips the script so that you aren't so needy and desperate for her approval.
In future, think about how you're framing the situation and what effect this has on you.
Tip #2 - Be chill & friendly
Another mistake I used to make is thinking I needed to be extra charming, funny or alpha in order for her to like me.
And usually this just led to a bunch of weird, inauthentic behaviours (which is what women find creepy, by the way).
It took me a while to learn that simply being chill and friendly gets you 90% of the way. I'm not joking.
When I dropped the charade (which is not easy) and focused on just having relaxed, chill and friendly conversations with women - I had way more enjoyable approaches than before.
And yes - this resulted in more numbers, dates and sex than when I was fucking around trying to be James Bond.
Always remember. Chill and friendly.
Tip #3 - Read the situation
Now, I may have given you the impression that my pickup journey was smooth sailing. I'm sorry if that's the case.
Because it wasn't. At all.
I got rejected. A lot. And painfully.
And what made this worse was the story in my head after a rejection.
"See? There really IS something wrong with you"
This hurt like a bitch.
But little did I know that this story was completely false.
The truth was that the majority of my rejections came because I had misread the situation.
- I approached a woman who was working in a clothes store (bad idea).
- I approached a woman as she was clearly in a rush.
- I approached a woman as she was in pretty deep conversation.
The common thread here is that they were preoccupied and not in a position to talk.
Anyone talking to them at that point would have been an inconvenience, let alone a total stranger.
So before you approach, read the situation and ask:
- Is she open and available to talk to you?
- Does she actually have the time to talk to you?
- Is she somewhere she chooses to be (like a bar or cafe) or is she somewhere she has to be (like work or a queue)?
As a good rule of thumb - if she chooses to be there, it's a good environment to approach.
By reading the situation well before you approach, you'll drastically increase the chances of it being an enjoyable experience for both of you.
Tip #4 - Slow down
Approach anxiety made me feel like I would die the moment I said hello.
It made words come rushing out of my mouth so fast she could barely understand me.
It made my body fidgety and restless.
My eyes darted around avoiding hers.
And her reaction was usually dismissive.
Because anxiety is contagious.
But luckily, so is calm.
When I learned to slow down.
This means taking deep breaths, slowing down your speech and allowing the silence to be there.
The result was a night and day difference.
One of the greatest gifts you can give to a woman is your grounded, calming presence.
I've also been told by many women that it's incredibly sexy.
And this comes from slowing the hell down.
Tip #5 - Keep the opener's simple
I never cared much about learning pickup lines.
After studying as a therapist for a number of years, by the time I started approaching, I knew that communication was 80% non-verbal.
It really doesn't matter what you say. It's more about how you say it and the vibe you sub-communicate.
Not only that, but by obsessing over openers, you're just feeding the anxiety that's your biggest obstacle in the first place.
So when deciding what to say as an opener, keep it simple.
Make an observation. Offer a compliment. Ask a question.
Or just be straight with her and say:
“Hey, excuse me. I know this is a bit weird but I couldn’t help but notice you, and I think you’re beautiful/interesting/cute. So I wanted to come over, say hello, and introduce myself. I’m [your name]. You are?”
Honestly, I never said much outside of this.
Tip #6 - Keep conversation short, light & appropriate
When it comes to conversation, I like to have a few things to talk about that help me get to know her fairly quickly.
What she's up to today. If she's a student or working. If she lives in the city or if she's just visiting.
A cool tip is to make assumptions instead of asking questions.
It's far more engaging and interesting.
For example, I could say:
"Do you live here?"
Pretty standard, boring question.
Or I could say:
"You look like an (insert city) woman."
To this, she will either correct you or confirm your assumption.
In both cases, she'll be far more engaged in the conversation than answering the interview questions she gets asked all the time.
And keep it appropriate. There are some exceptions to this but generally, avoid making comments about her body.
It just communicates "teen energy" with your sexuality which is rarely attractive.
And lastly, here's something to remember.
"A good conversation is like a miniskirt, short enough to maintain interest, but long enough to cover the subject"
Tip #7 - When asking for the number...
Now here's something I wished I learned much earlier.
The number is not the holy grail.
It means nothing if you've not built any chemistry or connection beforehand.
I used to rush to get the number mostly to avoid the anxiety I felt from talking to her. A part of me wanted it to be over.
But assuming you've had an enjoyable conversation - a good practice is to lead with a suggestion.
For example, instead of saying "can I have your number?" you might want to say something like:
"I'd love to take you out sometime. Mind if I get your number?"
It's decisive, bold and unapologetic in your desire to see her again.
All attractive traits to a woman.
In closing..
Lastly, I'd like to say that you can maximize your approaching skill as much as you want - but you'll never avoid rejection entirely.
A skill I didn't mention here is handling rejection with grace. If she rejects you, she isn't rejecting YOU.
Just say "no problem, have a nice day" and carry on with your life.
What's more important than any number, any approach or any woman is your own growth and development.
You're building a skill when you approach.
So remember that you're playing the long game and that ultimately, whether she rejects you or not doesn't matter.
Because if you keep taking action - it's only a matter of time before you find a woman that's gonna light your soul on fire.
I hope you enjoyed reading this.
I appreciate you,
Oliver