Alright mate
How’s it going?
Recently, I’ve been going through a period of intentional celibacy.
And it’s refreshing, honestly. I think every man should do it.
It’s got me reflecting on the topic of sex — hence today’s email.
And I can categorically state that:
If you've ever felt anxious, awkward, or like something was 'off' in the bedroom… being a "Nice Guy" might be the reason why.
And I know this firsthand—because it happened to me.
I used to be in a relationship where I completely sabotaged my sex life without realizing it.
Some of my deepest insecurities showed up in the bedroom, and looking back, I now understand exactly why.
Let’s get into the three ways being a Nice Guy can destroy your sex life—so you can avoid these mistakes in any future relationships.
1) A “nice guy” bases his self-worth on performance
In a past relationship, I based my entire self-worth on pleasing her.
Why?
Because deep down, I believed I was broken.
That no woman would ever actually desire me.
And if she did, I had to ensure the experience was perfect—otherwise, it meant I was worthless.
This made my anxiety skyrocket. I was a nervous wreck in the bedroom. The pressure was insane, and as you can guess, it made everything worse for both of us.
The moment you tie your self-worth to performance, you will fail.
Confidence in the bedroom isn’t about performance.
It’s about being present with the experience.
2) “nice guys” don’t let others meet their needs
I used to believe my needs were an inconvenience.
There was a time when she tried to go down on me.
Most guys would be thrilled. Not me.
Because my Nice Guy programming told me I had to earn every bit of intimacy. I hadn’t done enough, hadn’t proved myself enough. So I shut her down.
She got frustrated. The moment was ruined.
And looking back, I see how ridiculous it was.
When you believe your needs don’t matter, they don’t get met.
And over time, that leads to frustration, resentment, and a dead bedroom.
3) “Nice guys” do things expecting sex in return
I don’t love admitting this, but I used to do things for her with the secret expectation of getting something in return.
I thought: ‘If I make her happy in other ways and never upset her, she’ll meet my sexual needs.’
One time, I literally dropped everything to help her move house—at great expense to myself. It wasn’t all just to get laid, but let’s be real—it was a huge motivator.
The problem?
This is an indirect communication style at best and manipulative at worst.
Women can feel this energy.
It killed the attraction between us because it created hidden agendas and mistrust.
And it reinforced a belief I had deep down—that I wasn’t capable of getting my needs met directly.
If you can’t ask for what you want directly, you will never get it.
Being ‘too nice’ in the bedroom doesn’t make you more attractive.
It makes you hesitant, anxious, and untrustworthy.
But it all stems from toxic shame, this sense of being broken and wrong for having needs and being human.
If you're feeling brave, reply to this email and let me know if this resonated.
If you want to resolve that toxic shame and become an authentically confident man who attracts the kind of women and sex life he deserves - check out my 12-week coaching programme, pleaser to leader here.
Stay courageous
Oliver
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