"Just be yourself."
You've probably heard this advice a million times.
It’s what the internet tells you to do, and it sounds simple enough.
But how exactly do you be yourself?
This question came up in a coaching session I had recently, and it inspired this article.
In this guide, I’ll dive deep into the concept of being yourself and offer a practical exercise you can use to break free from inauthenticity.
My goal isn’t to provide fluffy advice but to ground everything in your real-life experience, offering you something actionable that can help you make a tangible change.
The Problem with Inauthenticity
Before we talk about how to be yourself, let’s discuss inauthenticity. What does it mean when you're not being yourself?
If you’re a people-pleaser, you’ve developed a behavioral strategy to adapt to others from a young age. Why would a kid learn to please others at the expense of being themselves?
It's likely because they received the message, whether directly or indirectly, that their true self was not good enough to gain love, acceptance, or appreciation.
Maybe you experienced difficult social situations as a child, and your brain interpreted them as proof that something was wrong with you. As a result, you adapted a strategy of scanning people’s reactions and altering your behavior to fit in.
This creates a constant state of anxiety because you’re always reacting to others and never truly relaxing into who you are.
This anxiety-driven condition, often called "Nice Guy Syndrome" or people-pleasing, is exhausting. People don’t get to know the real you, and you can never fully relax. Even if you’re surrounded by people or have a full social calendar, you might still feel lonely because you haven’t made true connections.
Underlying this anxiety is shame. Shame is the core wound that drives the need to please, while anxiety is the symptom, and people-pleasing is the defense mechanism.
To be yourself, you must address this deeper issue of shame.
How to Start Being Yourself
Now that we’ve identified the problem, how do you start being your authentic self? Here are the two major steps:
1. Self-Soothing Your Anxiety
The first thing you need to do is learn to manage your anxiety. People-pleasers often base their emotional state on the reactions of others, which is why they avoid conflict at all costs. They don’t have an internal mechanism to soothe their own anxiety, so they rely on external approval for validation.
The key is to sit with your anxiety instead of trying to avoid it. You need to spend more time alone, without distractions, and confront the anxiety head-on. Only then can you develop a new relationship with it.
You must learn to tolerate emotional tension and soothe yourself without relying on others.
When you can self-soothe, the reactions of others won’t hold as much power over you. This will allow you to relax more in social situations because you’ll be less invested in trying to control how others see you.
2. Doing Shadow Work on Your Shame
The second step is doing shadow work on your shame. Shadow work is about exploring the hidden, unconscious parts of yourself that you’ve buried because they were too painful or unacceptable to confront.
If you’ve been a chronic people-pleaser, you need to face the shame that lies at the core of your anxiety. This means revisiting the experiences that caused the shame in the first place and beginning the process of re-parenting the wounded child within you.
This inner child still believes they’re not enough, and until you provide the love and approval they crave, you’ll continue to seek it from others.
By re-parenting this part of yourself, you can stop looking for approval from others and start giving it to yourself.
This is the only way to truly heal from people-pleasing tendencies.
The Power of Community
While self-soothing and shadow work are critical, some parts of your healing can only happen in community. Writing and journaling about your experiences are essential, but full healing requires being vulnerable with others.
Joining a men’s group can help you unpack your shame and receive the acceptance you’ve been craving. When others reflect back to you the parts of yourself that you’ve been avoiding—and don’t reject you for them—real healing begins.
Soon, I'm launching an online community with men’s sharing circles where you can experience this healing in a safe environment.
Stay tuned for more information on how to join.
A Practical Exercise: The Authenticity Journal
Now, for the practical part: I want to share an exercise that I gave to a client recently, which I call the Authenticity Journal.
For one week, use this journal to track your inauthentic moments. Create a table with the date, time, and a few columns to fill out every time you feel emotionally triggered or inauthentic in a social situation.
Here's what you should track:
- When you felt inauthentic: What was the situation?
- Why you felt inauthentic: What triggered this feeling?
- Who you were trying to please: What did you think would happen if you were your true self?
- What the authentic version of you would have done: If you were 100% authentic in that moment, what would you have done differently?
By the end of the week, you’ll begin to notice patterns in your behavior. Once you’re aware of these patterns, you can start to change them.
Remember, you can’t change what you’re not conscious of, and you can’t heal until you start telling the truth about your behavior.
Conclusion
Being yourself is a journey that involves confronting anxiety, healing shame, and becoming more aware of your behavioral patterns. It’s not an easy process, but it’s incredibly rewarding.
If you’re serious about being more authentic, start by self-soothing your anxiety, doing shadow work, and joining a supportive community where you can unpack your deeper wounds.
Download the Authenticity Journal here, and start taking control of your life by being your true self.
Peace.
OC