6 years ago, I was sat in my therapist’s office.
A breakup from a toxic relationship had brought me there.
I thought we were going to talk about my ex.
But Nicola the therapist had other plans.
As I was chatting in my usual ADHD-esque way, Nicola interrupted me.
“Oliver … what do you think of that bowl on my desk?” she asked, curious.
“What do you mean?” I blinked.
“I mean it. Really think about it. What do you think about that bowl?”
Sounds simple enough, right?
Well… to my surprise, this was not an easy question to answer.
As I sat there, staring at the bowl, trying to scrape together an answer she might approve of, I had a realization.
Holy shit…
I don’t have an opinion on that.
“Nicola… I don’t have an opinion on that,” I blurted out.
“Are you sure? Do you like it? Or not like it?” she asked gently.
“I… don’t know.”
I almost pleaded with her. The question made me deeply uncomfortable.
Then I realized why:
She hadn’t shared her opinion yet.
I felt like I was drifting at sea without an anchor.
The anchor of her opinion.
If I had that, I could mirror a fake opinion to match hers… and keep the peace.
Yeah, it sounds insane.
Because it is.
But that’s how deeply people-pleasing fucks us up.
We live our entire lives trying to please everyone and we lose ourselves in the process.
We lose our voice.
That’s how bad it was for me.
I literally had no idea what I thought, felt, or believed.
I had no opinions of my own.
My sense of self was non-existent.
My inner peace dependent entirely on the approval of others.
It was a hollow existence, mate.
And my therapist delivered that realisation to me in a laser-guided question, perfectly timed.
But I’m happy to report this:
One of the most rewarding parts of my personal growth journey has been finding my voice again.
And I believe you can do the same.
Your situation might not be as bad as mine was.
I sincerely hope not.
But anything less than a full-blooded expression of your true voice?
That’s time and energy wasted.
You have a voice.
You have opinions, beliefs, even controversial takes locked inside you.
You’ve just been taught that sharing them is dangerous.
And the truth is… it is dangerous.
But it’s also the path to the freedom you’re craving.
Because when you use your voice. Your real voice … you find your people.
Friends. Connection. Love.
A relationship with someone who doesn’t just tolerate you…
But loves you because of the parts of you your inner critic tries to shame.
Hell, you might even use that voice to advance your career or build a business like I did.
So how do you rebuild your voice after years of muting it?
Here’s how:
1/ Write. A lot.
Seriously. 300–500 words of complete bullshit a day.
This is the habit that changed my life.
It clears emotional baggage and brings you face to face with yourself.
2/ Notice when you’re wearing a mask.
This takes awareness, but it’s essential.
Track moments when you feel inauthentic. Write them down.
Ask: Whose approval was I seeking?
Then — stop doing it.
3/ Record voice notes or video logs.
You find your voice by using it.
If astronauts record logs while floating in space, you can too.
It’s low-stakes, high-reward.
I started doing this six months ago. Game-changer.
Eventually, I took it a step further and built a YouTube channel out of it.
You don’t have to. Unless you want full freedom and to get paid for being yourself 😉.
4/ Practice assertive communication.
You learn who you are by learning who you’re not.
Standing up for yourself is a skill. One that reveals your boundaries and values.
For more… read the book When I Say No, I Feel Guilty by Manuel Smith. It’s a classic.
That’s it.
The most rewarding part of my work is watching a man find who he really is, love it and share it with the world, boldly and unapologetically.
You’re allowed to do the same.
So start now.
And stay courageous.
Oliver