Let me be real with you, mate.
Do you ever feel unseen?
You’re kind and supportive.
You do everything right.
But somehow, you’re still overlooked.
At work, your effort goes unnoticed.
In dating, you’re the “safe” guy women talk to but never choose.
In friendships, you feel like an afterthought.
It’s exhausting. But it’s not your fault.
You were taught that being nice, agreeable, and selfless would bring you respect, love, and connection.
But instead, it’s left you stuck in a cycle of frustration, loneliness, and quiet resentment.
This is “Nice Guy Hell”—and three hidden myths are keeping you trapped there.
Today, I want to help you break them—so you can stop performing for others and start showing up fully as yourself.
If you forgot how you got on my mailing list — I’m Oliver. I’m a writer, creator and guide helping men live with more freedom, authenticity, and independence.
(Feel free to unsubscribe if you don’t like my stuff, btw. No hard feelings.)
Let’s begin.
Myth #1: Taking Responsibility for Everyone’s Feelings
Nice guys often struggle with:
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Anxiety
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Fear of rejection
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A deep craving for approval
And there’s a simple core reason for all of it.
We take responsibility for everyone else’s feelings.
The myth is:
“If other people experience discomfort, it’s my job to fix it and make sure everything goes smoothly. If it doesn’t, that’s my fault.”
This is called over-personalization, and it’s a confidence killer because:
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Your social anxiety skyrockets because you’re always afraid of upsetting people.
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You force yourself to be inauthentic to keep the peace.
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You avoid striking up conversations, approaching women, and sharing your real opinions out of fear of offending someone.
It’s a social prison stopping you from enjoying the freedom to be yourself with everyone.
And where did this come from?
If this sounds like you, it likely started in childhood:
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You were the fixer in the family.
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You had to take care of younger siblings.
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One or both parents leaned on you too much for emotional support.
Whatever the case, here’s the truth:
You are only responsible for your actions, NOT other people’s emotions.
This doesn’t mean taking zero responsibility for how your actions affect people.
It means you can’t control how people react, and you don’t need to.
When you finally let go of this attachment to managing other people’s experiences—a weight is lifted.
You gain the freedom to relax and be yourself in any situation.
Probably for the first time.
Next time you’re in a group conversation and want to share an opinion that might not be popular, do it without apologising.
Notice how most people actually respect you more for your honesty.
If someone gets uncomfortable, observe that feeling without trying to fix it.
Their reaction is their responsibility.
Myth #2: Conflict Equals Relationship Death
Nice guys are terrified of confrontation.
The underlying belief? Conflict = instant relationship death.
And I get it. This was me for years.
The crazy thing is that I had two MMA fights during this phase.
I was more afraid of making someone mad than getting punched in the face.
That’s how deep this programming runs.
But this comes at a deep cost.
When you refuse to stand up for yourself, you silently agree that you don’t deserve respect.
Over time, this wrecks your confidence.
Any time someone:
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Makes a joke at your expense in front of people
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Doesn’t return the money you lent them
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Shows up late or cancels plans without caring
… and you say nothing, you’re reinforcing the idea that your boundaries don’t matter.
Where did this myth come from?
Think back to childhood:
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Was conflict chaotic and painful?
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Did your parents fight a lot?
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Or was conflict completely absent, leaving you with no blueprint for assertive communication?
Whatever the case, here’s the truth: Sometimes, conflict is necessary.
You need to assert yourself and let people have their emotional reactions without trying to fix them.
We are always teaching people how to treat us.
When someone makes a joke at your expense, try: “I know you probably didn’t mean anything by it, but that kind of joke doesn’t work for me. I’d appreciate if you didn’t do that again.”
Then maintain eye contact and wait for their response.
The key is calm delivery without apologizing for having boundaries.
When you start teaching people to treat you right—you start demanding the best for yourself in every area of your life.
Because now you realize the truth.
That you deserve it.
Myth #3: Your Needs Are a Burden
Nice guys settle in every area of life:
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An empty dating life
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Shallow, inauthentic friendships
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Work that pays the bills but doesn’t fulfil them
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Passing time with Netflix and video games instead of real experiences
They want more, but every time they try to change, something sabotages them.
Why? Because deep down, they believe:
If you don’t actively get your needs met, you’ll resort to passive, indirect strategies that never work.
For example, let’s say you want a more wild, experimental sex life with your girlfriend.
A Nice Guy will try to get his needs met passively and indirectly by:
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Doing all the housework, hoping it will “put her in the mood”
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Listening to all her problems, expecting it to “win him” sex
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Buying her gifts, over-complimenting her, or doing favors hoping she will reciprocate
A Direct Man takes the lead and asks for what he wants:
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Grabbing her by the hips, pulling her close, and passionately kissing her
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Telling her, “Take your clothes off.”
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Sending her a text saying, “I’m thinking about what I’m going to do to you later.”
This applies to every area of life:
At work, you bust your ass hoping someone notices—while the arrogant new guy who asks gets the promotion.
In friendships, you keep saying yes to things you don’t want to do—while your real interests sit on the back burner.
Your needs matter and are just as important as everyone else’s.
You deserve to have them met—but the responsibility is yours.
Write down three needs you’ve been suppressing (in dating, work, or friendships).
Then, write one bold way you could start asserting them today.
Breaking free starts with recognizing these patterns in yourself, and then deliberately practicing new behaviors that might feel uncomfortable at first.
That discomfort is growth.
True connection—the kind you’ve been missing—only happens when you show up as your real self, needs and all.
If you’re serious about dropping the mask and becoming more authentic, bold and courageous in your relationships and life — book a call with me using this link and let’s talk about it.
Stay courageous,
Oliver