Alright, mate.
If you’ve ever struggled with social confidence, felt anxious in social settings, or found it hard to be your authentic self around others, I’m right there with you.
Maybe you’ve noticed you’re a people-pleaser, too nice, or just uncomfortable in your own skin.
Maybe you find it difficult to express yourself or relax and enjoy social situations the way others seem to.
If any of that resonates with you, I’ve got good news.
This is fixable, and I’m here to help.
Because this was essentially me for most of my life.
That was until I discovered the single core reason behind it all.
It all boils down to one fundamental belief:
“I’m not enough.”
Today I’m unpacking that belief, understanding where it comes from, and how to heal it so you can be the unapologetic, authentically calm confident man you’re capable of being.
Why “I’m Not Enough” Causes Anxiety
The belief that “I’m not enough” begins in childhood.
Something in your upbringing—maybe criticism, neglect, or an absence of love—convinced you that who you are, as you are, isn’t acceptable.
For a child, this belief is devastating.
When we’re young, connection is a matter of survival.
Being cut off from parents or caregivers feels like life or death, so we instinctively adapt.
How do we adapt?
We wear a mask.
We create a persona that we think others will like, approve of, and accept.
While this might help us navigate childhood, it creates a deep inner conflict as we grow.
The authentic self, buried under layers of masks, stirs within us.
This tension—between who we are and who we pretend to be—manifests as social anxiety and a lack of confidence.
Anxiety, in this case, is a symptom of cognitive dissonance.
Your true self wants to break free, but the mask you’ve worn for so long feels like a safety net.
Dropping that mask is scary because if you believe the person behind it is broken, you fear rejection, ridicule, or abandonment.
If you’re struggling with social confidence or feeling inauthentic, I see that as a sign of awakening.
It means you’re no longer content to hide behind a facade.
You want deeper relationships, real connections, and the freedom to be yourself.
That’s worth celebrating.
But how do you bridge the gap between the mask and your authentic self?
Let’s dive into the practical steps to heal the core wound and rebuild your confidence.
Step 1: Reparent Yourself
As I just mentioned, the belief that “I’m not enough” often stems from unresolved emotional wounds in childhood.
That younger version of you—the wounded inner child—still lives in your psyche.
He’s the one who craves approval, fears rejection, and sometimes takes over your emotions and behaviours.
Craving validation and approval. Being needy. Codependent behaviour. Overthinking every little interaction.
These are all signs that your younger self is in charge.
Reparenting is about becoming the loving, supportive presence your younger self needed.
When you can give yourself the love you need, your younger self won’t mess everything up trying to get it from the outside.
Here’s how to start:
- Write a Letter to Your Younger Self
Find a childhood photo of yourself—maybe when you were 5, 6, or 7. Look at that picture and write to him. Tell him all the things he needed to hear but didn’t. Give him encouragement, love, and reassurance. - Let Him Write Back
Once you’ve written to your younger self, let him respond. This might feel strange at first, but give it a try. Allow that part of your mind to express its fears, needs, and emotions. This dialogue helps reconnect you with the part of yourself that feels unworthy. - Build a Relationship
Over time, continue writing letters back and forth. Ask your inner child questions: What are you afraid of? What do you need? What brings you joy?
This practice will help you identify his triggers and unmet needs which will give you the tools to respond with compassion instead of reacting impulsively.
Step 2: Set Boundaries with Your Inner Critic
The inner critic is often the loudest voice in your head.
And it ends up reinforcing the belief that you’re not enough.
It’s a vicious cycle that ends up in deeper levels of self-hatred.
To reparent yourself effectively, you must set boundaries with this harsh inner voice.
When the critic pipes up, remind yourself that it’s not the ultimate authority.
Say, “I hear you, but I don’t believe you.”
Don’t allow that voice to brutalize you.
Step 3: Practice Positive Self-Talk (In The Mirror)
Self-talk is powerful.
Start treating yourself like someone worth loving and supporting.
A practical way to do this is through mirror work:
- Spend 3–5 minutes a day looking at yourself in the mirror.
- Speak affirmations out loud:
“I’m with you. I’m here for you. You’re okay just as you are. You are enough just as you are. I will never leave you.”
Do this consistently for 30 days, and watch how your relationship with yourself begins to shift.
Step 4: Become Your Authentic Self
Reconnecting with your inner child and silencing the critic are crucial, but they’re only part of the journey.
To truly rebuild confidence, you need to act authentically.
Start experimenting with being yourself in small ways:
- Share an honest opinion in a conversation.
- Say “no” to something you don’t want to do.
- Pursue an interest or hobby you’ve ignored.
These actions reinforce the belief that you are enough, exactly as you are — and that you don’t need to tie yourself in knots for the approval of other people.
The journey to authentic confidence starts with self-acceptance.
By healing the belief that you’re not enough, reconnecting with your inner child, and practicing self-compassion, you can drop the mask and step into the unapologetic, confident version of yourself.
And if you’d like to work with me directly, click this link to learn more about my 12-week Pleaser To Leader program.
Stay courageous, mate.
You’ve got this.
Oliver
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