Alright mate
Let’s talk about “bad habits.”
Last month, I quit video games.
And it was far more challenging than I ever thought it would be.
It felt like I had cracked open a rusty old door in my mind.
And behind this door were many of my inner demons.
They came rushing through the door at once.
Shame. Fear. Anxiety.
Some of these emotions were decades old.
And it wasn’t just repressed emotions.
Even memories resurfaced of me being stuck in my childhood bedroom playing Age Of Empires with my headphones on. All to drown out the sound of my parents arguing downstairs.
It was a rough month, but as I moved through it, I learned a few things about “bad habits” that have profoundly impacted the way I relate to them and myself.
I want to share them with you.
Lesson #1: What we call “bad habits” are protection mechanisms
You play video games.
You watch pornography.
You smoke weed and/or vape.
Why?
Because you love how it feels?
Maybe that’s the case some of the time, but the majority of the time, these habits are all an attempt to escape, avoid or dissociate from uncomfortable feelings.
And the truth is — you’ve likely been doing this since you were a boy.
If you want to overcome the compulsive habits preventing you from building the life you want, you need to relax your labeling of these behaviours as BAD.
Because what we resist, persists.
And one of the biggest ways we resist is to shame ourselves.
But that doesn’t work because…
Lesson #2: Shaming yourself is not a sustainable way to overcome bad habits
I’ve worked with 200+ men over the last 4 years.
And they all had one thing in common.
A brutal inner critic that shamed them for not being perfect.
This would be somewhat justifiable if this inner critic created tangible results.
But the thing about the inner critic is, it’s great at pointing out your flaws but horrible at helping you.
Many of the most “successful” men I’ve ever worked with were still caught in the grip of an addiction after decades of self-shaming.
It doesn’t work.
The only way to overcome the compulsive protection mechanisms is to go deeper than surface level.
And that means soothing the little boy in your head.
Lesson #3: Becoming your own loving father is the only way to evolve beyond your coping mechanisms
An addiction is a sign that there’s a part of you that still needs to heal.
To do this, you need to imagine that you have a little boy inside your head.
That little boy is you when you were younger.
And because he didn’t get the love, encouragement and support he needed…
He learned to distract, numb or dissociate.
Now you need to check in with that little boy and ask him what he really needs.
It might be encouragement.
It might be guidance and stronger boundaries.
It might be just some solid unconditional love and support.
Whatever he needs … (and here’s the life-changing sentence).
You can learn to give that to him yourself.
A simple way to do this is to stop what you’re doing right now, take a moment and place your hand over the left side of your chest.
Take a breath and say, “I’ve got your back.” or whatever other phrase feels good to you.
It might feel weird or corny.
But as you deepen the practice of connecting and supporting yourself — your life will look very different in 12 months.
I hope this article (and all of my articles, honestly) helped you see yourself in a new way.
Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
And if you’re interested in working with me over the next few months to conquer nice guy syndrome, break your compulsive habits and start building a life lived on your terms that you fully enjoy — book a call with me using this link.
Stay courageous,
Oliver